


the line between doubt and fear

by KagekaNecavi



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Ficlet, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Self-Doubt, The Lonely - Freeform, post episode 163
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:08:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23745823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KagekaNecavi/pseuds/KagekaNecavi
Summary: An excerpt from Jon and Martin's travels through the fears.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 1
Kudos: 15





	the line between doubt and fear

**Author's Note:**

> Something I wrote after listening to 163 and then reading some theorizing and guessing on tumblr. Deals with The Lonely and some of the ways that sort of Fear probably works.

It’s become something of a habit. When they get to a new zone, at some point Jon always feels overwhelmed with the terror of the inhabitants and has to talk about it. Martin hesitates to call it a statement, because a statement implies it’s being given to him, but it’s also not _not_ a statement.

While he never listens to the not-statement, Martin also never strays very far, fingers firmly shoved in his ears and drowning out the words Jon is saying. He still catches the tone, the cadence, and they are oddly soothing.

Bad things have happened to them on their journey so far - terrible, awful things - but never while Jon is reciting his not-statement. Martin doesn’t know if it’s because The Eye overpowers the other fears in those moments or if it’s because Jon is at his most powerful while freshly fed, but he’s not going to think too hard about it and he’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. With Jon occupied with the not-statement and Martin sitting there unable to hear much of anything, they should be at their most vulnerable in those moments and whatever protection they also get is an advantage he won’t turn down.

The lines between the fears have always been somewhat fuzzy. It makes sense, then, that there are no hard and fast borders now. Leaving one zone and entering another feels more like a process than stepping over a line. They had been in an area that felt primarily of the Vast, so many wide open spaces that he never thought they’d leave it. The wide open spaces are still there, but now the air is familiar. Feels tinged with something that is almost second nature. Jon squeezes Martin’s hand tightly. Martin understands, and squeezes back. Jon almost lost him to the Lonely once before, and at this point losing Martin is probably Jon’s greatest fear.

Eventually they have to stop. Jon promises he’ll be quick, and Martin gives him a reassuring smile and stuffs his fingers in his ears. Even as he does so, though, he feels the Lonely seep into him. New doubts rooting into well-worn places in his soul.

He’s not helping Jon. Jon is strong and powerful, and Martin is only a burden. Jon would be able to do this if it weren’t for Martin. He’s been falling behind all along, all the way back to the Trench, and Jon has had to wait for him to catch up. Martin keeps somehow forgetting they don’t need to eat or sleep or drink, keeps making Jon remind him. Wasting precious time and resources.

But, no. Martin knows none of that is true. He knows he’s helping keep Jon grounded.

Does he, though?

He closes his eyes and shakes his head and for a moment he wonders. Wonders if he isn’t truly a burden. Wonders if Jon wouldn’t be better off without him.

When he opens his eyes again he is Alone.


End file.
